Shark Tank Makes Me Uncomfortable.

Plus, a few overrated and underrated forms of art as noted by readers!

Greetings!

I can’t believe we’re a week into August. Time’s been barreling past all of us. Because I’ve simply had so few new life events to mine for writing material, most of what I have to think and write about is things I watch on TV, observe in my neighborhood, or remember from my deep past. So, today’s newsletter will be about the show Shark Tank and why it feels so…wrong.

Before we get into it, a few notes. I’m launching a new section of this newsletter! Its two parts will be called “A Question” and “Last Week’s Question” (clever names pending), where each week, I pose a question to you guys on this newsletter, on my Instagram, and/or on my Twitter, and then the following week, I share people’s responses at the end. I’m doing this because I want to hear more from you guys! Writing for an audience is fun, but hearing new ideas from the little Only Child community I’m creating is all the more rewarding.

A Question

What are your favorite non-profane insults?

I’m curious and am trying to build my library of PG-13 insults. There is no purpose in mind, but I feel like there’s value in this that need not be explained.

Comment or reply your fave clean insult (pls do not direct it at me)!

Valuations Over Values

[Kevin O’Leary voice] OK, let’s stop screwing around—Shark Tank makes me very uncomfortable.

If you don’t know what Shark Tank is, let me explain. It’s a TV show where entrepreneurs pitch their ideas to 5-6 multimillionaires in hopes of landing an investment deal. They explain their product, sample it, and then stand there uncomfortably while the sharks haze the living shit out of them.

I started watching this show in quarantine with my parents, and I soon fell victim to its deadly allure. I assumed it would be about innovative ideas, game-changing products, and the steps required to turn that into a business.

I quickly lost faith.

The ideas are underwhelming, deals are often changed or canceled, and I soon became more interested in the shark drama than the ideas pitched. After all, it’s a reality show, and my expectations were unfounded. But this is only a small part of what makes me uncomfortable.

I noticed how quickly our heroic normal entrepreneur (or the occasional boring business child) transforms into a brand right before our eyes. They waltz onto the set and turn into a business. Not a businessman or businesswoman—an actual business. Set next to them is an attractive display of their product, with samples, posters, charts, and other aesthetics. While on the show, they are a collection of terminology, catchy slogans, paid actors, and accessory family members. Sometimes, there’s witty banter (for drama), but usually, the whole conversation is Just Business. As they conclude their pitch, they smile through the sharks’ indifference and insults, hoping that one of the numbers they’ve listed will settle into a shark brain.

Jimmy Kimmel blowing the sharks away with his innovative new Horse Pants idea.

Speaking of insults, once the the sharks’ turn to talk. They’ve heard the plea and are now contractually obligated to roast their guest in introduction. Sometimes, it’s subtle: the sharks may exclaim “Whoa!” when hearing a big number, or they may chuckle at a dumb-looking product. Sometimes, these multimillionaire investors call their guests “greedy” for asking for more money, like $80,000 instead of $75,000. But anyhoo, after they’ve warmed up the guest(s) (and themselves) with their barrage of mediocre insults, the sharks are now ready to ask some real questions and make a deal.

At this point, we are now entering full-on interrogation mode. Punchy, melodramatic music ratchets up the tension. The camera cuts in close to the guest’s sweaty rictus grin of a face. The sharks begin to ask, “How many sales have you made so far?” and “How is this better than Amazon?” and “Why haven’t you laid off half your employees to cut costs?” Our ill-fated hero nearly always stumbles a little in speech, reciting numbers with full awareness of their inadequacy, maybe thinking to themselves, “Gee, I should’ve just stayed at home and rewatched Paul Blart: Mall Cop,” and if there are no offers and things couldn’t look any more dire, they pull out their last resort.

As a final attempt to land an offer, they will make a sappy emotional appeal. They will extol the importance of their business to them—they are a strong leader and they know they can follow through—as their voice breaks. Sometimes, in an act of desperation, they’ll try playing hard-to-get: “Hey, if you guys don’t invest in my idea, that’s your loss.” Sometimes it’s clear that they’re acting, especially if the guests are selling something useless like jeans for dolls or reusable margarita umbrellas, but there are many moments when this is sincere. One of the sharks, convinced by the sudden torrent of pathos, may break rank and give a reasonable offer (usually Lori, bless her), while the rest fail to hide their disdain.

If you want to cringe, watch Seth MacFarlane ruin his friend’s chance of getting a deal.

Then we eagerly await potential offers from sharks. If there are none, the guest squirms and Kevin will awe the audience with some nifty one-liner like, “That’s the cost of doing business, buddy.” However, if they do see value in a product and somebody makes an offer, the gloves come off. They become wild animals, mouths watering at the prospect of gold. The counteroffers and snide commentary abound. If we’ve been blessed to see some good drama that day, they may team up for an offer. They may say they’re out, then change their mind and make an offer. They may pull out at the last minute. Kevin may insult somebody (usually the guest). Mark may stir the pot with loud commentary. Lori may rest her head in her left hand. Daymond might scratch his nose. Who knows? Literally no one. Like they say, “anything can happen in the Shark Tank.”

But to them, it’s all just a game. Each has winning strategies and personal styles (e.g. Kevin usually makes offers with royalty clauses, Mark usually hangs back before stealing someone else’s deal) whereas to the guests, so much is on the line. They’ve made personal sacrifices to even gain an audience. The sharks don’t care about the impact on the guest; they don’t even have to. Neither do we, really, but we’re put in a position as the viewer where it’s hard not to. It feels like we’re watching kings fighting to own peasants that they think will make them richer.

This is every episode of Shark Tank. Except fewer guards and more queens (kings).

That’s not to say that the sharks are bad people (at least from what we know). They’ve all got some redemptive qualities. Mark Cuban seems like a cool guy. Great to have a beer and play basketball with. Robert has his principles and won’t do business with dirty ideas. Barbara’s last name (Corcoran) is kind of cool. Lori is thoughtful and actually gives advice to the person whose dreams she just crushed. Chris Sacca’s got a cool beard, but he would also probably invest in a company that actively produced acid rain. Kevin, as we’ve all suspected but cannot prove, is actually an immortal goblin who, in the biggest deal of his career with Satan, exchanged his heart, soul, and hair for a human appearance and a 12.5% stake in Hell.

OK maybe I don’t love all of them. But that’s not the point. The output of Shark Tank’s engine can be reprehensible. It’s here where my earlier notions of this show being about innovation and novel thinking were swiftly adjusted. Look at this enthusiastic, lizard-faced entrepreneur pitching a mobile app that protects unfaithful partners by hiding calls and texts from whitelisted phone numbers:

And, if you have some time to feel lose faith in humanity, I urge you to watch this follow-up where (SPOILER ALERT) he gets a deal with Kevin and Daymond.

The guest’s name is Neil Desai. Yes, he is kind of awkward. Yes, his eyes bug out when slightly confronted. But the sharks seem to love him. Maybe there’s chemistry going on offscreen that we’re not seeing. They’re all laughing with him. Mark doesn’t like the app but loves the guy. He’s a “great guy,” apparently. Why? We don’t know. Maybe Mark likes lizards. The kid’s got some hustle, I guess.

Anyways, I think this Cheater’s App is a fantastic example because it gets to the soul of Shark Tank. Let’s be clear: it is by no means the only ridiculous idea pitched on the Shark Tank that’s actually netted a deal. But it’s definitely one of the most morally reprehensible ones. And while we can’t exactly be sure how that pitch went down, we see, during this 11 minute conversation, three out of five sharks lunge for a piece.

Let’s examine that for a second. At 4:00, an interesting exchange goes something like this:

Robert: But, but Neil. Do you have any…issues or concerns about the morality of the product you’re promoting?

Neil: Let’s put it this way—

Kevin (to Robert): What’re you talking about?

Robert: Let the guy answer a question!

Neil: It’s OK. I’m OK with you guys fighting.

Kevin (to Neil): I’m answering for you! The answer is no. It’s no.

Neil: I’ll just put it in a better way. Let’s say you didn’t like carrots, for example.

Robert: Carrots?

Neil: Carrots. But carrots sold at 100% markup. Are you gonna say “I don’t wanna be a carrot farmer,” or are you going to jump into that business ready to make money?

Mark (laughing): In other words, you’re gonna go where the money is, that’s what you’re saying?

Neil: Of course!

[Everyone laughs.]

Mark: This is not morality tank.

Kevin: The only immoral aspect of your deal is a crazy valuation. It’s not worth a million dollars.

There’s another segment at around 7:00 where Barbara offers the lizard a deal with the stipulation that he rebrand as a privacy app, as it could be used not to protect cheaters from their spouses but FBI snitches from white collar criminals. This shrewd offer is swiftly ignored in favor of one from Kevin and Daymond. After all, Kevin says it best at 3:00 minutes in:

Kevin: I don’t know if cheating is good or bad because I’ve never done it. But I do understand there are people that have, and they need a product like this. So why don’t you tell me a little more about your sales.

Let me be clear: I don’t blame Shark Tank for immoral ideas being presented, and I’ve seen brilliant ideas pitched that the sharks rightfully invested in. Like Mark said, it isn’t morality tank. I don’t expect Shark Tank to suddenly start giving free education to those in need (although that’d be cool).

My worry is that this show both reflects and exacerbates a very limited definition of innovation. I’m using the word loosely to refer to the kinds of products pitched, which are typically some auxiliary Object B that will fix existing Object A or render it more effective: see the hardness-changing sponge, an infant car seat cover, nap time for consultants, glacé cryotherapy for skin care, and more. Admittedly, there have been some cool service ideas listed on Shark Tank’s website, but what’s clear to me is that every product here feels like duct tape: a temporary fix to a problem whose root cause remains unaddressed. I can’t recall a product I’ve seen that’s changed a paradigm for the better. If Shark Tank cared about this, they’d sponsor a marriage counselor instead of investing in a cheater’s app. But at the end of the day, these kings and queens are driven by the market just like the rest of us, so can I really blame them?

Anyways, grumbling aside, here are a few ideas to improve Shark Tank!

1. Have Alexandre Desplat do the musical score.

2. Introduce a Wild Card shark that makes an ridiculous offer for, like, every fourth shark or something. Just to shake things up.

   

3. Have all sharks share a single, gigantic suit with six separate head holes to demonstrate teamwork.

4. Have a Shark Tank: Extreme spinoff where sharks continue to fight each other outside the rings by forcing former guests with successful deals to compete with each other.

5. Replace, Mark, Daymond, and Barbara with real Great White sharks and Kevin, Lori, and Robert with army tanks. The guest no longer pitches an idea; they instead bet on a 5-minute brawl between sharks and tanks, half of it taking place underwater and the other half on land.

6. Make it a democracy. Have viewers elect investors to Shark Tank each season. Personally, the shark I’d like to see is someone who’s successfully founded multiple small businesses, ideally using scrappy, unorthodox means. If they have experience from a top business school with really good grades, that’d be a plus.

Last Week’s Question

What forms of art do you consider overrated and underrated?

Underrated

• Professional Wrestling

  It’s storytelling. Instead of using words, it’s using your body. If I hate my opponent, I’m not gonna try and wrestle him, I’m gonna hit him in the face. The way I react when a guy kicks out two minutes into the match compared to the way I react when he kicks out twenty minutes in the match is entirely built around the story. I’m not only trying to convince you it’s a real fight by simulating a fight, I’m simulating the emotion of a desperate fighter clawing his way to a finish or a cocky superstar who is so assured in victory that I get caught offguard.
  
  All of that is to say that wrestling is physical storytelling, it’s part acting, part stunt work, and part fight choreography to tell the story we want to. Within that, there’s millions of ways to express those emotions, much like in traditional art. It can be pure comedy, or it can be a blood feud, but the tone has to exist throughout.

• Pottery:

  I just like that they’re used everyday and can incorporate art in normal life. And I like when they’re funky and weird. And I had a pottery teacher that said you have to make pots that people want to kiss. They need personality and I like that. I’ve taken a class but nothing serious! I wanna dig up clay and build an outdoor kiln :)
  
  Another cool pot moment was when my instructor told a girl, near tears because her pot was falling apart (when you build something from nothing it is so vulnerable!), that “who cares, we’re just moving around dirt.” And I love that! Like this mans whole life is making this art. And he was so cool about the fluidity of the creation and destruction.

Overrated

• Art of nude women done by white cis heterosexual men:

  Oh man, I feel like every single one has created a female nude. Ok well this has some of the ones I was thinking of. If I recall correctly, the older ones where she’s returning your gaze were considered scandalous or pornographic because that signals she’s inviting the viewer and is an active participant which is a no-no. So basically if she GIVES CONSENT it’s scandalous.

Other Things of Note

1. This wrestling video in which your average douchebag slacker absolutely wrecks this pumped up beefcake.

2. This surprisingly approachable music video by Tim Heidecker for his new single “Fear of Death” with Weyes Blood, The Lemon Twigs, and Jonathan Rado.

3. This work of pottery that resembles a human face.

   

4. The story “Variety African Healing Market” by Afabwaje Kurian in McSweeney’s magazine.

5. Several hours of The Witcher 3: Blood and Wine.

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Whew, we made it through another week! Thank you as always for subscribing and reading this newsletter. If you’d like, leave a comment below or click the heart icon to “like” this post. And share this with your friends, family, coworkers, and more! I’m close to 100 subscribers and need your help pushing through.

—Chuckry Vengadam (@churrthing)