goodbye: ending one chapter and beginning another
in a time where communication is so accessible, what does "goodbye" even mean?
Welcome to Only Child! Thanks for subscribing and being a part of this newsletter. I want to make it better as we move forward, so I set up a survey that I’d love for you to take. It’s just a few questions, and you’ll be totally anonymous, so feel free to be honest :) You can find the survey here.
Now prepare yourselves for the sentimentality I’m about to ooze.
I’ve been thinking a lot about goodbyes lately. If I’m being honest, it’s because there’s a scene in the video game The Witcher 3 where two characters—a girl destined for greatness and her surrogate father—share an emotional farewell before crossing to opposite sides of the screen forever. The game’s set in a medieval fantasy setting, like Game of Thrones or Lord of the Rings, so it got me thinking about how important it might’ve been at that time to say “goodbye.”
Of course, I can’t know for sure whether these dramatic goodbyes really did happen in that time period—maybe these “goodbye” scenes were invented by studio executives to garner audience sympathy—but also, considering that the only thing holding relationships together across kingdoms were birds carrying scrolls, I want to believe they’re justified. You’d never know whether your loved one would return from a trip, a hunt, or a war, and something about that feels fragile.
Just a couple of witchers bein’ witchers.
Then, I looked at the modern day, where I feel we take goodbyes for granted. When was the last time you told someone goodbye, truly expecting to never see them again? I’d wager that those instances are rare. For many of us nowadays, with instant communication and travel so easily accessible, “goodbye” doesn’t mean as much. Couple that with quarantine normalizing video calls and no single interaction ever feels final.
There’s of course the flip side to this, that the spread of a deadly disease constantly reminds us of our mortality and so encourages more heartfelt goodbyes, which are now often suffixed with “stay safe!” or “keep washing your hands!” We don’t know what’ll happen to our loved ones, and we’re grappling with dark possibilities. It’s all new. And as a result, today’s goodbyes over the phone/Zoom call/socially distant hangout are either perfunctory or terrifying. So I figured I’d look into the word a little bit.
A quick Google search of “goodbye” tells me that it’s a “contraction of God be with you!, with good substituted on the pattern of phrases such as good morning.” Just for starters, I can’t even fathom the pattern of attrition that original phrase underwent to become goodbye, but here’s how I’m guessing it looked:
God be with you!
God b’with you!
God b’wi’you. (gaad bwih-yoo)
God b’w’ye (gaad bwih-yuh)
God b’w’eeeee (gaad bweee)
God b’w’aiieeee (gaad bwaieeee)
Godb’aieee (gaad BUH-yeeeee)
Godbye (gaad bai)
[Government: “shit, we’re supposed to be secular. be cool”] Goodbye
Anyways, the word goodbye, for all its fraught history, is apparently a very important one, so before I dive into an instance of my own goodbyes, here are some helpful alternatives you can use.
A Few Other Ways to Say Goodbye
Farewell: It’s like someone took a two-word sentence and smushed it into a command. I fear that the same will happen to beloved boomer phrase “Have a Good One!”
See you: I like this one a lot because you keep the door open to future exchanges…unless that future exchange is a phone call, in which case this expression would be a lie.
Bye: The cool, slangier version of “goodbye” that all the kids are saying these days. If you feel like “goodbye” is too formal, pull out this single-syllable bomb for when you’re ending a date or finishing a doctor’s appointment.
Until we meet again (noted above): For if you’re feeling dramatic and you want to take your relationships up a notch.
Toodles: Short for “toodaloo,” which likely comes from the (absolutely butchered) French phrase “a tout a l’heure.” Apparently was used also used by effeminate men in the mid-20th century?
So why do we say “goodbye”?
I look towards college graduation for enlightenment. That weekend was absolutely stuffed with emotional farewells. I said goodbye to so many people, and the phrasing of each really hit me. Each time, there’d be a pause in our last conversation, and then someone would say, “well, I guess this is it.” Nobody said “see you later,” and if they did, I’m sure we’d have a good laugh followed by a stark silence, like if you accidentally said “I love you” to your teacher or “You too” when your waiter told you to enjoy your meal.
We all cried, both together and separate. I didn’t expect to, but it happened. That same day, as I was in my room packing for a Europe trip with my housemates, I had a moment where everything hit me at once. I imagined in great detail each of my friends living their own lives, growing up, falling in love, getting married, raising kids, losing hair, cooking dinners, getting promotions, sending their kids off, and retiring peacefully. The sentimentality wrung me dry until tears no longer came.
At the time, that experience was so heavy I didn’t know what it meant. I found it hard to control. Now, it’s easier for me to take a closer look. It was sadness that college was over, excitement for the future, love for my friends, fear of everything changing, and gratitude for the time we’ve shared bursting forward and vying for my attention through this mental narrative.
After returning from the Europe trip, I had more goodbyes to say to my housemates. The stakes became clearer: I would see them again, but never again in the same way. Not late at night studying for an exam, not cleaning our dirty living room, not making a party playlist, not “cooking” cheese quesadillas with Taco Bell sauce. They left, and I had one more day to spend in that dilapidated house by myself. Life suddenly felt naked.
I was the last person to leave our college house. It was intentional—I booked the flight home for three days later because I couldn’t let go of the good times I had there, even though I knew it’d suck to be all alone. I was right, of course. Most of that day went into watching Netflix, wandering around campus, and checking the time. Honestly, I’d hoped more tears would come, but it seemed I’d used them up. It was a poor decision rooted in nostalgia and a refusal to say goodbye and move on.
The story doesn’t end that sadly, though. Three years later, I’ve stayed in touch with many of my old college friends. We’ve traveled to see each other and have had Zoom calls aplenty through quarantine. Because those friendships have lasted, it’s hard to feel like there was any need to even say goodbye in the first place.
But a real, hearty goodbye is important. It says, “This part of us is done, let’s move on until we meet again.” It organizes relationships the way chapters do stories. When you next see each other, it’ll be as different people (even if only slightly), and that’s exciting. Without that, life and all its meaning feels like one meandering, aimless narrative.
I never got this until recently. I thought that simply changing my life would be enough, but I’m learning to acknowledge the old parts of life, too. It’s been hard to say goodbye in some cases, like when moving out of Seattle during quarantine, but I think it doesn’t have to be perfect as long as it’s said.
I plan to move to New York around October, so I sense a goodbye to my parents coming. We’ve done this before, when I went to college and then to Seattle, so as tough as it’ll be, it’s also natural and exciting. And when I move, I’ll be living with two of my good friends, who’ve grown and changed from when I used to live with them individually. There will be board game nights, long walks through New York City, and ad hoc kickboxing lessons (if we’re lucky).
I can’t wait for the next chapter!
—Chuckry Vengadam (@churrthing)
In case you didn’t see my opening note, I want to thank you for sticking with Only Child and invite you to submit some feedback on it in this survey!
Thanks for the chuckle when reading how Goodbye may have morphed over the years. 😂
Precious photo at the end of article :’) cheers to enjoying the present and having many things to look forward to!